Depression

I am suffering from depression right now. In the past few years I have struggled with my battle of breast cancer, ankle issues, being sued (which is still going on) as well as other issues. I tried to take my mind off of things and focus on things that are positive, like training for the Nike Women's Marathon. I thought that if I did that then I would be stronger to deal with the other issues, I thought it would give me some self confidence, self esteem. But I was wrong. All I want to do is stay in bed and not do anything, it takes everything out of me to get out of bed everyday. Most days I do not even get dressed. I hate the way I feel, the way I look. I hate that I let myself be this way but no matter how much I focus on the positive things in my life I still feel like a pathetic piece of waste. I seem to just go through the motions right now. I do what I need to do each day because I have my 4 year old at home with me all day but to be honest I am just plane numb. I have called around to get in and talk to somebody to help me through this but no one is taking new patients at this time, I have tried to tell them just how desprate I am but it doesn't matter. Why is it that people just seem to think that depression is a frame of mind and not a real illness. It makes me so angry that people tell me oh focus on the positive and you will be happy again, be thankful for what you have in life, be thankful that you are still alive. Well that is just it, it doesn't matter to me. No matter how much I focus on it I am still not happy. It doesn't matter that my son tells me funny knock knock jokes and I just don't laugh, or how my daughter trys to make me smile but I just don't. I feel like the worlds worst parent so I question everything in my life. I am thankful that I have healthy happy children and the best friends a girl could ask for but I just don't know what to do. I have asked for blessings and received them, I have prayed, I have asked Heavenly Father for help and guidence but I just don't feel any better. I am just lost and sad and don't know what to do. I spent Sunday in the house, the thought of going to church was too much for me I couldn't do it. I am just rambling here, sorry for those of you who may actually read this I thought it might help me get some of this out. If I am out of touch for a while I hope you all understand, it is nothing personal against any of you. I just need to get better..