Monday, November 16, 2009

1 Point Away UGH!!

I swear if I hear this one more time this school year I am going to scream. I hear this a few times a week. "Mom I am just one point away from an A, or B" Dude if you know you are only a point away do the work to get the A or B... Do the extra credit and just get it done. Now I know she works hard but it drives me nuts that she just doesn't go that extra mile to get that one point!!! I get a progress report each week so I know how she is doing all the time and I know that her test scores are terrible, they have always been terrible so I don't even worry about those I look at all the other stuff and so far I can't complain but I am just tired of hearing about that one point.... With that said, keep up that great work Sierra I am proud of you and all your hard work just get that DAMN POINT would ya :)

Monday, November 9, 2009

Hunter, the Zoo and Making Memories

We spent the day at the zoo. Hunter had never been so JB thought it would perfect weather to load the family into the car and go. I on the other hand thought "can't I just crawl back into bed and not be around people?" Nope... I spent the entire day around lots and lots of people laughing and smiling and having a fantastic day. I faked it. I smiled and laughed for the sake of family time but all I really wanted was to be as far away from these people as possible!! With that said Hunter had the BEST time ever. He loved and I mean LOVED the flamingos and as he calls them the "red butts" monkeys, he laughed so hard when he saw them it really was cute to see his reaction to those baboons. He was like a kid in a candy store rushing to take everything in. He did not like the lions, alligators, or the rhinos. He wants a giraffe so they can eat all the leaves off the trees and that way he won't have to rake them up, I do like the way he thinks, so smart my Hunter is. I felt so very sad for Willy the polar bear because he was all alone, he was the only animal that didn't have a partner. He even looked sad, just lying there doing nothing at all. Sierra captured some great shots of the birds, a parrot kept following me around. He was really beautiful. He was so close I could have pet him but I prefer my fingers attached to my hand so I thought better of it. By the time we got home last night I was exhausted but not Hunter he slept all the way home (all of an hour) and was ready to play some more so he rode his bike and played with Samsun outside until it was dark and had to come in. Can I just tell you that even though I didn't want to go yesterday I wouldn't have missed it for the world. Hunter now has memories of the zoo and riding the carousel with his Mom and laughing and smiling and seeing all the animals he sees on t.v. I love that boy!!

Monday, November 2, 2009


I am suffering from depression right now. In the past few years I have struggled with my battle of breast cancer, ankle issues, being sued (which is still going on) as well as other issues. I tried to take my mind off of things and focus on things that are positive, like training for the Nike Women's Marathon. I thought that if I did that then I would be stronger to deal with the other issues, I thought it would give me some self confidence, self esteem. But I was wrong. All I want to do is stay in bed and not do anything, it takes everything out of me to get out of bed everyday. Most days I do not even get dressed. I hate the way I feel, the way I look. I hate that I let myself be this way but no matter how much I focus on the positive things in my life I still feel like a pathetic piece of waste. I seem to just go through the motions right now. I do what I need to do each day because I have my 4 year old at home with me all day but to be honest I am just plane numb. I have called around to get in and talk to somebody to help me through this but no one is taking new patients at this time, I have tried to tell them just how desprate I am but it doesn't matter. Why is it that people just seem to think that depression is a frame of mind and not a real illness. It makes me so angry that people tell me oh focus on the positive and you will be happy again, be thankful for what you have in life, be thankful that you are still alive. Well that is just it, it doesn't matter to me. No matter how much I focus on it I am still not happy. It doesn't matter that my son tells me funny knock knock jokes and I just don't laugh, or how my daughter trys to make me smile but I just don't. I feel like the worlds worst parent so I question everything in my life. I am thankful that I have healthy happy children and the best friends a girl could ask for but I just don't know what to do. I have asked for blessings and received them, I have prayed, I have asked Heavenly Father for help and guidence but I just don't feel any better. I am just lost and sad and don't know what to do. I spent Sunday in the house, the thought of going to church was too much for me I couldn't do it. I am just rambling here, sorry for those of you who may actually read this I thought it might help me get some of this out. If I am out of touch for a while I hope you all understand, it is nothing personal against any of you. I just need to get better..