Friday, March 27, 2009


Today I realized what a lucky person I am to have such a wonderful friend in my life. This morning my friend Katie stopped by. It brightened my spirits to sit and chat with her while we shared some yummy treats that she brought over. I love visiting with her because she is so happy and has a wonderful spirit about her. Her smile is contagious, and brightens the room. I was able to actually laugh and smile and feel genuinely happy. It has been a while since I was able to feel that way. I also learned today that no matter what kind of funk I am in I am loved and that people care about me..

In case you are reading this Katie, THANK YOU!!!!

Thursday, March 26, 2009

More Ramblings...

I wonder if other people wear a mask sometimes. What I mean is do people put on a "show" when others are around to make them think all is well and then once they leave they take the mask off and show be who they really are. I wonder this because lately I have been doing this, I act as though life couldn't be any better at the Santangelo home, and in reality things are crumbling all around me. I am one of those who does not like to be a burden to anyone, I don't ask for help, I do things for myself and I am good with that. I don't know how to even ask for help. I LOVE to help others, I don't do it to get anything in return I just love the feeling I get when I know I have helped make someones day a little better... I was asked a while ago by a missionary why I don't like help and my answer was this, I don't like to accept help because I know there are other people out there who really need help because they can't do for themselves and I can. So why take that help from them when they are the ones who truly need it. He couldn't understand my logic, he said but you are taking blessings away from those who would want to help you. I disagreed because if you are helping them instead of me you are still getting those blessings... I wish I could just sit down and tell somebody what is really on my mind but I can't. I keep things inside(except for my journal) I have a wall up and have ever since I can remember. This plays a huge role in my relationships because I don't let people get close to me, I don't want to get hurt, let down etc. I know that by doing this I also miss out on true happiness but I am not willing to let that wall down. I figure if I don't let the wall down I am not going to get hurt, I will not break into a million little pieces. Not exactly setting the example for my daughter or my son but I have had a wall around me since I was in elementary school. How is one to just rip that wall down over night? I had a talk the other night with JB and told him that I was tired of living here, I wanted a change, I need a change and his response was you can't make any changes until Sierra is out of high school. So I need to continue to do what I am doing even though it isn't making me happy, I understand making a sacrifice for my children I have done it many times and I am good with that but when my sanity is on the line I think it is best to make whatever changes needed to make sure that I can continue to be the best parent I can be for them. Maybe I am wrong here, it wouldn't surprise me if I was.... I know this is long and doesn't make much sense but there are times when one needs to just ramble......

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Blank ~ Just Rambling On and On ~

I don't know what it is but lately I just seem to be in a total funk.... I am tired of how things are in my life and I am working towards making some changes. I mentioned back in January that I was going to work on my list, and I have made great progress on that list, I have completed the Book of Mormon, lost 24 pounds, organized the entire upstairs of my house. When I say organized I mean I went through every closet, cabinet and room and downsized and organized. I no longer have things that I haven't used in years. I even went so far as to toss out entire boxes without even opening them. I figured if I hadn't looked in them for a least 6 months then I didn't need the contents of that box any longer so out it went. But I have noticed even though I have accomplished these things on the list I don't feel any better. It didn't bring any sense of happiness that I lost the weight and am continuing to do so, I don't feel better knowing my house is almost in complete order. I will say that when I completed the Book of Mormon that I felt a sense of peace and accomplishment and was happy for a few days after that but then I went blank, numb so to speak. I just don't know what the deal is.
I put on a happy face for everyone but in reality I am numb inside. I was talking to a old high school friend last night and he use to make me laugh but I didn't see the humor in anything, I played along like all was great but inside nothing.... So tonight when I head to church I will put on the same smile and give a talk about how we will be blessed for our works and then head home and put my son to bed and listen to my daughter tell me all about her night of talking with friends and the latest thing going on and then head to bed where I can hide and I no longer have to pretend..... I hope I can figure this out soon and really be happy again... *sigh*