Thursday, March 26, 2009

More Ramblings...

I wonder if other people wear a mask sometimes. What I mean is do people put on a "show" when others are around to make them think all is well and then once they leave they take the mask off and show be who they really are. I wonder this because lately I have been doing this, I act as though life couldn't be any better at the Santangelo home, and in reality things are crumbling all around me. I am one of those who does not like to be a burden to anyone, I don't ask for help, I do things for myself and I am good with that. I don't know how to even ask for help. I LOVE to help others, I don't do it to get anything in return I just love the feeling I get when I know I have helped make someones day a little better... I was asked a while ago by a missionary why I don't like help and my answer was this, I don't like to accept help because I know there are other people out there who really need help because they can't do for themselves and I can. So why take that help from them when they are the ones who truly need it. He couldn't understand my logic, he said but you are taking blessings away from those who would want to help you. I disagreed because if you are helping them instead of me you are still getting those blessings... I wish I could just sit down and tell somebody what is really on my mind but I can't. I keep things inside(except for my journal) I have a wall up and have ever since I can remember. This plays a huge role in my relationships because I don't let people get close to me, I don't want to get hurt, let down etc. I know that by doing this I also miss out on true happiness but I am not willing to let that wall down. I figure if I don't let the wall down I am not going to get hurt, I will not break into a million little pieces. Not exactly setting the example for my daughter or my son but I have had a wall around me since I was in elementary school. How is one to just rip that wall down over night? I had a talk the other night with JB and told him that I was tired of living here, I wanted a change, I need a change and his response was you can't make any changes until Sierra is out of high school. So I need to continue to do what I am doing even though it isn't making me happy, I understand making a sacrifice for my children I have done it many times and I am good with that but when my sanity is on the line I think it is best to make whatever changes needed to make sure that I can continue to be the best parent I can be for them. Maybe I am wrong here, it wouldn't surprise me if I was.... I know this is long and doesn't make much sense but there are times when one needs to just ramble......

1 comment:

  1. Absolutely! Don't think you're the only one putting on a show sometimes. We all do. Most importantly, you have to remember who you are. You are a daughter of God and he loves you. Yes, you have challenges and frustrations. Days when you don't want to do anything but watch TV and take a nap (that was me today, did you know?). Somehow we find a way to carry on whether that means making changes or not, we just do it. Yet, I know that you need something for yourself. You need to make whatever change is really eating at you or it will consume your time. You are amazing and beautiful. Don't forget that.

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