The Proposal I Never Saw Coming

On Saturday I woke up later than normal because JB and I stayed up talking until two in the morning. We eventually got up got something to eat and headed out for another day of exploring the city. JB really wanted to find this old church so we were on a mission, he had an idea as to where it was but we were in no hurry this day, we just took our time and walked hand in hand all day it was romantic to say the least.

He wanted to find this church because he had something in mind for me. We had been walking around for several hours, had lunch and it was getting late,the sun was going to be setting soon so JB took me down this one street where this old church was, he finally had "found" it and I couldn't be happier because to be honest my feet were killing me from all the walking we had done that day. We took some photos of it and then headed back this canal that put the church behind us and the sunset in front of us. We stood there for a few minutes in silence just enjoying the moment then JB said to me "I have a question for you" I looked at him and he had the most sincere look on his face, I had no idea what the question was going to be. He said "Cynthia I was wondering if you would marry me again?" I was in tears because I knew that for the first time in 16 years that this man was really totally in love with me for all the right reasons, and loved me with all my flaws and I was in love with him, we were a real couple who were really in love with one another I know this all sounds so strange but it was so romantic, I did say "Yes" to him by the way. He even had a new ring for me.

Friday in Amsterdam

So Friday I spent the day site seeing and kind of sad because JB was not with me, to experience the sites with me. I went to the Anne Frank House, I didn't think it would be as emotional as it was. I have read the book at least 20 times in my life and to actually be standing there where it all took place was just amazing to me. After spending an hour in the house I went outside and sat on a bench and thought about life and how fortunate I am to be able to do anything I want to do. This was the day that I set new goals for myself and decided to get back into the game called life, don't get me wrong I am not totally out of the woods yet of depression but I am on the road to recovery. I sat and reflected on everything I had done this year and realized I am that strong woman, I can do anything I set my mind to, it just takes hard work and determination and sometimes I just need a little help from my family and friends to push me along and remind me I can do it. I will embrace the journey of life and live each day as though it may be my last because you never know if you have tomorrow. I remembered this saying "Never give up, don't ever give up." so I will not give up, I will get up every day and fight everyday to live.

Amsterdam Day One

Day one was filled with laughter and lots of it. After JB and I checked into our hotel near Dam Square we headed out for the day. We walked the streets of Amsterdam and we managed to find a little coffee shop and we sat down and had tea and hot coco and just talked for hours. We hadn't done that in years no joke. Our lives had gotten so off track as a couple that we had been talking about going our own ways before this trip. We first talked about ground rules, no talking about the kids on this trip. This trip was for us. So when we first got there it was a bit strange to be honest but then we just started to open up to one another we made a list of questions we wanted answers to. That is when the laughter returned to our relationship. We asked the most silly questions, it was kind of like a first date really. For those of you who may not know JB and I have been together since May of 1993 and so in that time we both had changed in many ways and we didn't know one another anymore. We sat in that coffee shop and laughed until it hurt. When we left that coffee shop we left hand in hand. It felt wonderful and I had a smile on my face a real smile. We then headed over to the train station since he had to get a train the next day to Apeldoorn for business. We bought his tickets for the next day and then headed back to the hotel for some dinner and rest. I ordered a bowl of spaghetti and he ordered the chicken parm, neither were very good, to be honest I wasn't all that thrilled with the food over there at all I thought it was rather bland,I expected more flavor.

Amsterdam

Yep that is where I will be next week. I never thought I would be in Amsterdam at Christmas time, can't wait to see what it is like there!!

1 Point Away UGH!!

I swear if I hear this one more time this school year I am going to scream. I hear this a few times a week. "Mom I am just one point away from an A, or B" Dude if you know you are only a point away do the work to get the A or B... Do the extra credit and just get it done. Now I know she works hard but it drives me nuts that she just doesn't go that extra mile to get that one point!!! I get a progress report each week so I know how she is doing all the time and I know that her test scores are terrible, they have always been terrible so I don't even worry about those I look at all the other stuff and so far I can't complain but I am just tired of hearing about that one point.... With that said, keep up that great work Sierra I am proud of you and all your hard work just get that DAMN POINT would ya :)

Hunter, the Zoo and Making Memories

We spent the day at the zoo. Hunter had never been so JB thought it would perfect weather to load the family into the car and go. I on the other hand thought "can't I just crawl back into bed and not be around people?" Nope... I spent the entire day around lots and lots of people laughing and smiling and having a fantastic day. I faked it. I smiled and laughed for the sake of family time but all I really wanted was to be as far away from these people as possible!! With that said Hunter had the BEST time ever. He loved and I mean LOVED the flamingos and as he calls them the "red butts" monkeys, he laughed so hard when he saw them it really was cute to see his reaction to those baboons. He was like a kid in a candy store rushing to take everything in. He did not like the lions, alligators, or the rhinos. He wants a giraffe so they can eat all the leaves off the trees and that way he won't have to rake them up, I do like the way he thinks, so smart my Hunter is. I felt so very sad for Willy the polar bear because he was all alone, he was the only animal that didn't have a partner. He even looked sad, just lying there doing nothing at all. Sierra captured some great shots of the birds, a parrot kept following me around. He was really beautiful. He was so close I could have pet him but I prefer my fingers attached to my hand so I thought better of it. By the time we got home last night I was exhausted but not Hunter he slept all the way home (all of an hour) and was ready to play some more so he rode his bike and played with Samsun outside until it was dark and had to come in. Can I just tell you that even though I didn't want to go yesterday I wouldn't have missed it for the world. Hunter now has memories of the zoo and riding the carousel with his Mom and laughing and smiling and seeing all the animals he sees on t.v. I love that boy!!

Depression

I am suffering from depression right now. In the past few years I have struggled with my battle of breast cancer, ankle issues, being sued (which is still going on) as well as other issues. I tried to take my mind off of things and focus on things that are positive, like training for the Nike Women's Marathon. I thought that if I did that then I would be stronger to deal with the other issues, I thought it would give me some self confidence, self esteem. But I was wrong. All I want to do is stay in bed and not do anything, it takes everything out of me to get out of bed everyday. Most days I do not even get dressed. I hate the way I feel, the way I look. I hate that I let myself be this way but no matter how much I focus on the positive things in my life I still feel like a pathetic piece of waste. I seem to just go through the motions right now. I do what I need to do each day because I have my 4 year old at home with me all day but to be honest I am just plane numb. I have called around to get in and talk to somebody to help me through this but no one is taking new patients at this time, I have tried to tell them just how desprate I am but it doesn't matter. Why is it that people just seem to think that depression is a frame of mind and not a real illness. It makes me so angry that people tell me oh focus on the positive and you will be happy again, be thankful for what you have in life, be thankful that you are still alive. Well that is just it, it doesn't matter to me. No matter how much I focus on it I am still not happy. It doesn't matter that my son tells me funny knock knock jokes and I just don't laugh, or how my daughter trys to make me smile but I just don't. I feel like the worlds worst parent so I question everything in my life. I am thankful that I have healthy happy children and the best friends a girl could ask for but I just don't know what to do. I have asked for blessings and received them, I have prayed, I have asked Heavenly Father for help and guidence but I just don't feel any better. I am just lost and sad and don't know what to do. I spent Sunday in the house, the thought of going to church was too much for me I couldn't do it. I am just rambling here, sorry for those of you who may actually read this I thought it might help me get some of this out. If I am out of touch for a while I hope you all understand, it is nothing personal against any of you. I just need to get better..

Ouch!

Let me start by saying as a parent one of my worst fears is that one of my children getting hurt and not being able to do anything about it. Well last night that happened. Sierra was hit in the mouth by a ball while she was pitching in the last inning of the game. I knew the second it happened, I was sitting in the stands, talking with another Mom about how much I don't like her pitching because she doesn't have her mouth guard yet. Yep the ball took a bad hop and hit her in the mouth, blood all over. I did good I didn't run out to the mound I walked over to the dugout and waited then I knew something was really wrong when they called me out to the mound. I ran out there and saw ALL the blood, it was running down her hands, shoes, shorts, towel. I removed the towel from her mouth and saw the upper lip split then I saw the bottom lip, the inside of that one was split. So I brought her home, gave her some Advil, took her into the bathroom, cleaned her up so I could actually see the damage that was done. We were lucky there was no damage to her teeth or braces but she did end up with 2 fat split lips and bruising. We will be buying her a pitchers mask this weekend so in case she wants to pitch again she will be well protected... :-)

The countdown begins

OK only 10 days to go until I fly out to California for the Nike Women's Marathon. I can't believe it is here already. I swear it feels like just yesterday I was signing up with my friend Katie to do this. I can't believe all the miles I have ran/walked preparing for the big day. But I don't want to talk about the miles here in this post I want to share with you what I have learned while running/walking all those miles. I learned that there are some really amazing people out there trying to make a difference in others lives. I have learned that I am a strong woman who can do anything I set my mind to, I learned to have self confidence, I see myself as a beautiful person inside and out even though I am not the perfect size 2 and that it doesn't matter that I am not a size 2 because I am healthy and I am here for my family and I am a survivor of cancer. I learned some of those things while fighting my own battle with cancer the past 3 years but I never shared anything I learned. I met some amazing people on this journey who have Leukemia or Lymphoma and they are heros to me, they inspire me to keep going when I am out on my longer runs and when I want to stop I remember their stories and I keep going because right now they can't. I am in aw of those who are just starting out on their journey and have yet to learn what it is they are going to learn while on this journey. I do not pity those who have cancer because that is one thing they do not want. So for those of you who are lucky enough to never have to deal with cancer in your own personal life take the time to volunteer at an event that helps those with cancer, we can use all the help we can get. I look forward to thanking some of the volunteers at that finish line come October 18th for their time and dedication to the cause. I will always remember this journey and cherish each and every minute of it, even the sleepless nights and my amazing friends who helped me get there. Thank you to all of you for helping me get there and for those of you who I don't even know and have donated and supported me with encouraging words thank you!!

Weekend with Family

This weekend Johns family has been in town, they flew out from Northern California. We haven't seen them in about 6-7 years. Friday John took them to the beach since they hadn't been to the beach on the East Coast before. They really enjoyed the warm water and some fishing as well. Then on Saturday they went to Charlotte to the Bass Pro Shops because they do not have one of those back home either and since they are all fishermen they had a great time. After they got home from the mall we took them to Goodberry's, another first for them and they loved that also. Today was a day of golf, and fishing. We started the day hitting a few bucket of balls at the driving range since neither one had ever hit a golf ball in their life. They learned they do not love golf like we do. So John took them fishing again but this time it was just at Bond Park. I am sure they are loving each and every minute of it. We have had some pretty good weather since they have been here so far, overcast but no rain and no humidity highs in the the upper 70's lower 80's. They can't complain, I know I'm not. I am now cooking a chicken taco ring for dinner for when they do decide to come home and eat. I must admit it has been a nice visit this time around. Nice change actually. Hope everyone has had a fabulous weekend!!

Aundrea

Friendships are an amazing gift in life. We sometimes don't realize just how special our friends are. We have many different types of friends. Sometimes we have friends who are crafty, some that are sporty, some that are adventurous, some that are shy. The past few weeks I haven't been feeling in the best of moods, I must admit I have become depressed because of the stress of fundraising for the Nike Women's Marathon coming up next month. I have slept all of 4 hours in 5 days from all that stress but last night a friend of mine called me and left me such a touching voice mail it made me cry and made me sit and reflect then when I read the note she sent to her friends about me to help me in my fundraising efforts she really had me in tears, like seriously crying like a baby boohooing. We have not seen one another since high school and have reconnected through facebook. She reminded me why all those years ago why I was drawn to her. She has a heart of gold, she is there for you to pick you up when you are down, she is a ray of sunshine! I am truly the lucky one in the friendship, I know she and I don't see eye to eye on religion but I do believe that God brings people into our lives for a reason and I made sure to thank him last night when I said my prayers for bringing her into mine all those years ago. I have learned to not take advantage of the friendships we have and to really learn to appreciate each and everyone of them, they are unique gifts that should be treasured. I can honestly say I truly treasure my wonderful friend Aundrea. I love you Dre!!!

New Season/New School

So a few weeks ago Sierra tried out for the city league softball teams and tonight was their first practice. She did pretty good actually. She played all of outfield, as well as first and second base. She worked with the pitching coach and seemed to enjoy that as well. But to be honest I think the girl belongs in the outfield, either center or left she has one heck of an arm on her. She didn't do to bad at the bat either, but I think we will be going to the cages a few times a week so she is a more consistent switch hitter. Sierra bunts the ball really well as a righty but can't bunt as a lefty and can smack the heck out of the ball as a lefty but can't do it as a righty. I want her to be able to be able to both. I guess that comes from me wanting her to a versatile player since I played baseball for so long. Anyway it was great to meet the coaches and a few of the other parents. It will be a short season just 8 games but it will prepare her for the spring tryouts for the school come February.

Also this week Sierra started at Cary High, she is now a Freshman. I can't believe my little girl is in High School. She has grown up so quickly it makes me happy yet sad at the same time. She is such an amazing young lady now. She has figured out what she wants to do and has set her goals and has organized things in such a way that she will be able to attain those goals. I am so very proud of her. I know that the next four years of her life are going to be great ones for her. I know she will have trials but I think I have done a good job as a parent to help her stay on the right track and make the right choices. I am looking forward to watching her grow even more over the next four years..

Recommitted to Nike Women's Marathon

OK well just when I was about to give up and not recommit to the Nike Women's Marathon because I didn't think I would get any donations other than what Katie and I had done from a yard sale and selling a Vera Bradley Bag some friends of mine have donated and given me hope. So yes I have turned in my forms and recommitted. Call me crazy since I don't even have half of the money raised yet and all of it needs to be turned in 7 weeks but I think with the help of my amazing friends and more fundraising I think I can reach the goal of $3,900 and help make a difference and hopefully one day we will live in a world that is cancer free.

Update

So far this month I have ran/walked 94 miles. I am pleased with all the miles I have put in so far. I went to the doctor yesterday to have my ankle looked at since I am having so much pain in it after I run. Come to find out after the x-rays the screws are coming out of the plates so we came to the conclusion that I will need to have the surgery to replace both the plates and screws. Now I am not doing it until after the Nike Women's Marathon so the compromise is that I take it easy when I run, don't push myself and when I feel the pain I MUST stop. I may not do all the miles each week according to the training log by Team in Training but I will still train, I know I am not running in the marathon to be first I am running for those who can't and to raise awareness to a very serious illness so even if I finish 20,000th I will be happy..

Lake Pine

8 miles = 4 laps around the lake. I enjoyed my walk/slow jog this evening. My foot is on ice as I type this. It doesn't hurt as much as it did on Saturday but it is just as swollen. I can handle it being swollen I can't handle the pain that goes along with it though so it was nice to finish the walk/slow jog without the pain this time. I am going to see my Dr. tomorrow so he can take some x-rays and tell me if the screws are coming out further and causing my issues. I really enjoy running at Lake Pine, it is such a peaceful place to train, I wished we would train there on a Saturday as a team. I fell in love with the trail before I even joined Team in Training and started training for the Nike Women's Marathon.

6 miles @ Shelly Lake

Six miles may not sound like a lot of miles to run or even walk but let me just tell you it IS!! I did it on three hours of sleep. I was tired from lack of sleep the night before I just couldn't fall asleep.. When we arrived at Shelly Lake the coaches were still talking so I was happy that they hadn't started on the trail without us. We kind of got lost trying to find this place, it didn't help that Raleigh has more than one Millbrooke St. Anyway we all started out walking the trail then the faster runners took off and since I am not one of them I stay to the back of the group. I ran for about two miles, feeling pretty good, not winded at all, pace was good. My ankle on the other hand still hates that I run.. It was swollen I had to stop and loosen my laces a bit and hope that it would not get much bigger since my toes were starting to tingle as well. I still had 4 miles to go and I really wanted to finish. I walked to the halfway point got some water, rested for a minute then started to run again, can I just tell you what a complete idiot I am. I don't listen to my body, I should have just walked the rest of the way back but I didn't want to be the last one out on the trail so I ran. Also I knew my friend Katie would be back and waiting for me and I didn't want to keep her any longer than I already had so I pushed myself. I finished the six miles and I felt good except my ankle. My ankle was so swollen it was the same size as my calf, no joke. I had blisters on both feet. I wasn't winded or anything and I wasn't sore so I shouldn't complain really but this ankle really will be the death of me I think... When I got home I iced it and kept it up for a while the swelling has gone done some and I am walking slowly and not putting much pressure on my foot, not sure what this weeks training will hold for me...

Miles & Recommitment

Last month I ran/walked 124 miles training and this month so far I have ran/walked 78 miles. I am a bit burned out to be honest and only because I am seeing zero results from this running. I have not lost much weight, my energy level has not increased at all. I thought I would feel better after being in the routine of running but I am not. I run about a 10 minute mile not too bad I don't think. I am frustrated with the fundraising, I doubt I will recommit to run the Nike Women's Marathon for October. I just don't think I will have the money raised and I certainly don't want to pay $3,900 out of my own pocket and if I don't have half of the funds raised by recommitment date of July 30th then I can't do it.

Figuring it out

On Saturday I went to Lake Pine. It is a park close to the house that has a nice 2 mile paved path around the lake. I ran 2 miles without feeling any pain in my ankle, so I thought I would try another lap around the lake and about half way through that second lap my ankle was KILLING me so I once again had to walk the rest of the way. I am beyond frustrated with trying to figure this out. I want to just run..... This morning I went running and I tried the run for 2 minutes walk for 3 since my running coach suggested trying that to help build up the strength in my ankle and I don't know if that will make any difference since I only ran 2 miles this morning. I am going out tonight for another 2 mile run and will try his advice for a week and see how things go. I am keeping running journal everyday so I can see where I have improved and how my ankle does at different parks and distances. I hope that will help solve my problems with my ankle.

My Hair

Tonight I went to a fundraising meeting with my friend Katie. It was not what we had hoped it would be, we thought it would be about new ideas we hadn't heard before but it was really just going over the same stuff we had heard several times before. On the drive home we were trying to come up with some new ideas and really be creative and I thought well why not shave my hair off to the highest bidder over $500. No joke, I will let the person who donates the highest amount over $500 shave my hair off. I mean it wouldn't be the first time I was without hair and the money goes to a fabulous cause. It is a win win for all involved... Cancer is such a scary thing, and I know from experience just how scary it is. But I truly believe in this cause, we need to find a cure for all cancers! I am even going to go down to the local news paper and ask them what I need to do to put an article in. I will keep you all posted to the outcome, even post photos of before and after.

Training...

On Saturday was the first team training.. I got there early (I hate being late for ANYTHING). When I arrived Julie was there setting things up and what not so I got a chance to talk to her and get to know her a little better. She is such a positive person and has a great sense of humor. After a team meeting that lasted about 35 minutes we hit the trail with the coach's. There were 3 teams training together, Raleigh, Durham and the Triathlon Team. I will admit I did not like having so many people there on the trail, but I guess I should get over that since I will be around thousands more come marathon day. Anyway I started out at a slower pace because I hadn't actually ran on my ankle since I had surgery to put it all back together. I felt my pace was a bit slow so I picked it up a little and that felt fine. I noticed after a while however that I was getting shooting pain in my ankle and then I felt the pop. So I stopped running and walked, talk about total disappointment. I felt like such a failure that I had to stop. I mean I was feeling really good about my pace and how I was able to still carry on a conversation and not be winded at all but just my ankle wouldn't cooperate with the rest of my body, really disappointing.. After I walked for a bit I noticed we had a small hill to run up so I thought well lets give it a shot and see how we do with that. I ran up it and I noticed again the shooting pain and the pop sound again so once I got to the top I walked. I don't know what the deal is with my ankle but I will NOT allow it to stop me from completing this goal of mine. I am running for those who can not run, I am running for me as well, even though I didn't have any of the cancers that I am raising awareness for I am still a cancer survivor.... I want this to be a positive experience in my life, I want to look back on it and say "I did it!!" I want this to be a wonderful time in my life, so my ankle will have to learn to get over it and let me run darn it!!!

Nike Women's Marathon

Well since my last post I have been a little busy with something and I didn't really think anyone would want to hear about it but then I was told that people would want to hear about it so here is the big news, I have signed up to run in the Nike Women's Marathon in San Francisco. I started walking a few weeks ago with my friend Katie who is also doing the marathon. I have walked in the past 2 weeks over 25 miles and this weekend is the first team training and I am very excited about it! I plan to run the course but since I broke my ankle a few years back in 5 places and have plates and screws holding things together I thought walking would be the best way to get back into things so this weekend when I actually train with the team I will run and see how things feel but I have made a promise to myself that I will run the entire course and I will cross that finish line.... I will update this blog every few days with my progress.

Found what I was looking for....(more rambling I think)

Well as you may know I was in a "funk" for a while but I am fine now. I have come up with a game plan to make the changes in my life that will make me happy and keep me happy. I have done a lot of searching for answers and trying to figure out what it was that was making me so unhappy and I learned what that was and the next few months will be full of changes in my life. Some people may not understand them or agree with them but I am ok with that because I have learned that I do not have to please EVERYONE I only need to please myself and that I come FIRST... For so long I thought that I had to do everything for everyone and I lost myself doing that. I have learned through my searching that I have let myself go, that it is time to get myself back to where I was. I can no longer use my cancer as an excuse to be unhappy it is time to shut the door to the past and look ahead to my future one that will be filled with LOVE, Happiness and tons of Laughter... Oh how I have missed the laughter.... I have missed the music in my life... I am so in love with life right now I could just scream.. I am awake to all of its possibilities and I am going to enjoy each and every minute of it!! I am no longer going to put my life on hold because I could miss out on so much if I do and I have already missed out on too much.... I am going to tell people how I really feel about them, I am going to let go of the anger, the resentment all the things that made me unhappy. I am special. I am worthy of love and happiness and all the great things in life... It is amazing how when you are looking for one thing something completely different appears, it really has baffled me. I am not going to try and figure that out I am just going to enjoy each and every second of it. It has given me hope it has given me peace... Love, Happiness and Laughter is all a person needs...

Regnier and Tryon Palace

I was in need of a Regnier "fix" so today Sierra, Hunter and I headed to New Bern to visit him~ After talking with him on the phone we decided that we would tour the Tryon Palace ~ We purchased our tickets in the morning decided we would do the noon tour since that would give us time to check out the Dixon House and the gardens before our tour was to begin~  I was a little nervous about taking Hunter into the Dixon House as well as the Palace since he is only 4 but he was PERFECT, he didn't touch anything and stayed right next to either Tyler or myself the entire time~ Anyway I loved all the fine details in both the Palace as well as the Dixon House~ I guess you could say that Tyler and I were the only ones (in our tour group) who really appreciated the intricate details in the moulding's and trim in both homes~ We also fell in love with the staircase in the Palace, one word to describe it would be AMAZING!!! I wish we were able to take photos inside so that I could show you all but it wasn't allowed~ While we were waiting for the tour to begin Tyler had kind of given us a tour of the grounds since he had been there before~ I fell in love with the gardens at the Palace~ They had such a wonderful variety of Tulips it was just full of color, granted not as beautiful as the Biltmore Estate but I was still in awe of the red and white tulips as well as the pink ones, not to mention the size of them, I have never seen tulips so big before~ After the tour we went and grabbed something to eat and just sat around and talked for about an hour, it was so great to catch up with Tyler and meet his new companion~ I didn't realize how much I really missed him until today~ It is amazing how friendships are formed and how people come into our lives~ What is even more funny is that Tyler and I didn't like one another when he first arrived in Cary but yet there isn't anything I wouldn't do for him and vise versa~ Friendships what a wonderful gift!! 

Beautiful Weekend

This weekend was the "perfect" spring weather weekend!! We started the weekend with us hanging out with the Grandparents and playing ball out at their house and watching General Conference there.. I really enjoyed the the talks given at conference.. But I hate to say this I enjoyed playing ball with my children more. I loved hearing the laughter from them as Hunter would hit the ball, I think he is going to be a switch hitter just like his big sister Sierra. I also enjoyed playing on the swings and playing with Shadow, their black lab.... It was just perfect weather all weekend, in the 70's with blue sky, white puffy clouds and a slight breeze at times.. It doesn't get any better than that!! Then on Sunday we went to the park in between sessions for conference. I pitched to Sierra so she could get some practice in and she did pretty good, she just needs to learn to not pull her head and watch the ball a little more. I know that comes with experience so I won't hold it against her right now. I also pitched to Hunter for a little while, that is until he got tired of hitting and wanted to play on the playground.. So we spent about an hour on the playground and boy was he tired when we got home, so tired in fact the boy actually took a nap.. I would say this has been a weekend to remember even if all we did was play ball but it was wonderful family time... I love the spring!!! I hope you all were able to get outside and enjoy the weather also...

Lucky...

Today I realized what a lucky person I am to have such a wonderful friend in my life. This morning my friend Katie stopped by. It brightened my spirits to sit and chat with her while we shared some yummy treats that she brought over. I love visiting with her because she is so happy and has a wonderful spirit about her. Her smile is contagious, and brightens the room. I was able to actually laugh and smile and feel genuinely happy. It has been a while since I was able to feel that way. I also learned today that no matter what kind of funk I am in I am loved and that people care about me..

In case you are reading this Katie, THANK YOU!!!!

More Ramblings...

I wonder if other people wear a mask sometimes. What I mean is do people put on a "show" when others are around to make them think all is well and then once they leave they take the mask off and show be who they really are. I wonder this because lately I have been doing this, I act as though life couldn't be any better at the Santangelo home, and in reality things are crumbling all around me. I am one of those who does not like to be a burden to anyone, I don't ask for help, I do things for myself and I am good with that. I don't know how to even ask for help. I LOVE to help others, I don't do it to get anything in return I just love the feeling I get when I know I have helped make someones day a little better... I was asked a while ago by a missionary why I don't like help and my answer was this, I don't like to accept help because I know there are other people out there who really need help because they can't do for themselves and I can. So why take that help from them when they are the ones who truly need it. He couldn't understand my logic, he said but you are taking blessings away from those who would want to help you. I disagreed because if you are helping them instead of me you are still getting those blessings... I wish I could just sit down and tell somebody what is really on my mind but I can't. I keep things inside(except for my journal) I have a wall up and have ever since I can remember. This plays a huge role in my relationships because I don't let people get close to me, I don't want to get hurt, let down etc. I know that by doing this I also miss out on true happiness but I am not willing to let that wall down. I figure if I don't let the wall down I am not going to get hurt, I will not break into a million little pieces. Not exactly setting the example for my daughter or my son but I have had a wall around me since I was in elementary school. How is one to just rip that wall down over night? I had a talk the other night with JB and told him that I was tired of living here, I wanted a change, I need a change and his response was you can't make any changes until Sierra is out of high school. So I need to continue to do what I am doing even though it isn't making me happy, I understand making a sacrifice for my children I have done it many times and I am good with that but when my sanity is on the line I think it is best to make whatever changes needed to make sure that I can continue to be the best parent I can be for them. Maybe I am wrong here, it wouldn't surprise me if I was.... I know this is long and doesn't make much sense but there are times when one needs to just ramble......

Blank ~ Just Rambling On and On ~

I don't know what it is but lately I just seem to be in a total funk.... I am tired of how things are in my life and I am working towards making some changes. I mentioned back in January that I was going to work on my list, and I have made great progress on that list, I have completed the Book of Mormon, lost 24 pounds, organized the entire upstairs of my house. When I say organized I mean I went through every closet, cabinet and room and downsized and organized. I no longer have things that I haven't used in years. I even went so far as to toss out entire boxes without even opening them. I figured if I hadn't looked in them for a least 6 months then I didn't need the contents of that box any longer so out it went. But I have noticed even though I have accomplished these things on the list I don't feel any better. It didn't bring any sense of happiness that I lost the weight and am continuing to do so, I don't feel better knowing my house is almost in complete order. I will say that when I completed the Book of Mormon that I felt a sense of peace and accomplishment and was happy for a few days after that but then I went blank, numb so to speak. I just don't know what the deal is.

I put on a happy face for everyone but in reality I am numb inside. I was talking to a old high school friend last night and he use to make me laugh but I didn't see the humor in anything, I played along like all was great but inside nothing.... So tonight when I head to church I will put on the same smile and give a talk about how we will be blessed for our works and then head home and put my son to bed and listen to my daughter tell me all about her night of talking with friends and the latest thing going on and then head to bed where I can hide and I no longer have to pretend..... I hope I can figure this out soon and really be happy again... *sigh*

To the First 5 People that Read This Post...

The first five people to respond to this post will get something made by me! My choice. For you. This offer does have some restrictions and limitations:

1- I make no guarantees that you will like what I make!
2- What I create will be just for you.
3- It'll be done this year.
4- You have no clue what it's going to be.

The catch is that you must re-post this on your blog and offer the same to the first 5 people who do the same on your blog. The first 5 people to do so and leave a comment telling me they did win a homemade gift by me! Oh, and be sure to post a picture of what you win when you get it!!!

You don't really have to post this on your blog, I just thought it would be fun!!

An Interview

So a few weeks ago I was reading For the Journey's blog and she had a posting titled An interview and I thought it was a neat way to get to know people. I have been following her blog for a little over a year now and I feel as though I have gotten to know her, well at least that she is an amazing photographer and is one of the most creative people I "know". So anyway I thought I would volunteer for her to interview me and here are the questions she sent me.

"I think I remember reading that you're from California. What's
your opinion of the East Coast vs. the West Coast. Would you want to
ever live on the West Coast again?"

I absolutely love living on the East Coast and I seriously doubt I will ever live in California again. I just never felt like that was "home" to me. I never felt like I belonged there. I am all about road trips so living here on the East Coast is great for me to see a new town all the time and to learn the history of our country. I also love how nice the people are out here, it did take me some time to get use to children calling me Ms. Cynthia they definitely do not do that in California. I also love the beaches here, they are WARM unlike in Northern California. One thing I will say that I do NOT like at all about North Carolina is the fact that I can not get my salami out here and they do not have a Round Table Pizza here. I miss my Gallo Salami!

"It sounds like LDS is a new thing for you (correct me if I'm
wrong). How were you introduced to it?"

I am a convert to the church. I joined the church back in 2002. I grew up with a few Mormon friends but I never knew what the really believed I just knew that my Mother was against the church so we never really talked about it. When I lived in California I met a missionary and we became friends, stayed in touch with him throughout his mission, he went home to Canada and I moved to North Carolina. In January of 2002 I was just feeling lost and somewhat alone and I was talking to Sean about it and he sent me a Book of Mormon and asked that I read a few scriptures that he had marked, long story short I met up with Elders Holgate and King while they were tracking and on February 8th 2002 I was baptized and confirmed a member of the church. That lost feeling I had and the sense of feeling alone was gone. Even though I have been a member for 7 years now I still feel as though I am a new memeber because I was not raised in the church. ( this is totally the short version of my conversion story. )

"Do you have a favorite birthday party memory? Which birthday and
what made it special?"

I do not have a favorite birthday party memory but I do have a favorite birthday memory. Every year for my birthday my Grandmother would always make me a lemon cake from scratch. She was an amazing baker!

"If you had a perfectly empty weekend without any chores, how would
you spend it with your family?"

If I had an empty weekend without chores, I would spend the weekend in the mountains. I love going to the mountains here in North Carolina. We would spend the weekend at a cabin and just hang out, play games, go hiking, take tons of photos and just have some quality time together.

"What is your favorite dish to cook? Where did you learn the recipe?"

My all time favorite dish to cook is lasagna. I learned how to make it from my parents. My Mother showed me how when I was younger but my Father taught me how to perfect it when I was an adult. I use the fresh herbs and I make the pasta from scratch. I always have homemade bread to go with it as well as a salad.

If you would like to be interviewed let me know, I will send you some questions and you can answer them in a post :)

Before and After

Here is what the house looked like when we first bought it in 2004. It was a bluish gray color that was rather depressing to me. We actually bought the house because the yard was so large and it was on a cul-de-sac.

And here is my house now, in 2009. JB painted the house this past summer and I just love how my house looks now!

We still have some things we need to do to the outside, like replace the light fixtures and do some landscaping but that will be done in the spring. This post is for a friend of mine back home who was curious about before and after shots so here you are Dre.

hmmm era of openess, really?

So this week I have been watching the news and I noticed that President Obama said something that I really liked and gave me hope that things were going to start off great and change was really going to happen. Here is what he said:

"The executive order on ethics I will sign shortly represents a clean break from business as usual. As of today, lobbyists will be subject to stricter limits than under any other administration in history. If you are a lobbyist entering my administration, you will not be able to work on matters you lobbied on, or in the agencies you lobbied during the previous two years. When you leave government, you will not be able to lobby my administration for as long as I am president."

But then a few days later he said he wants an exception to his rule. He wants William Lynn as the new deputy defense secretary, but the problem is this, he is a former lobbyist for a big defense contractor called Raytheon. So my question is this, why even make the new rule when you have no intention of following it? Don't they understand that this is why most Americans are so damn cynical?

Working on my list

So for the past three days I have managed to accomplish a a few things.

• Organized my closet, I donated 3 bags of clothing to goodwill.
• Organized Hunters room.
  
• Sent out recent photos of Sierra to family out West.
• Put together a budget for the next 6 months.
• Wrote letters to friends out West.
  
• Have worked out 2 days, walked a total of 7 miles as well.
  
• I read "Strengthened by the Storm"
• Baked a pumpkin pie from scratch for Adam (Elder Bigelow) and delivered it.

So even though I haven't accomplished everything on my list, I can't complain about what I have accomplished. I think if I just do a little each day then I will be ok. I will pick one room to work on each day and organize it, I want to get rid of anything I haven't touched or used in 6 months. I figure I don't need it if I haven't used it in 6 months. I feel the most difficult room to organize will be my kitchen, I love my kitchen gadgets, lets just say I have a very well stocked Pampered Chef Kitchen and it will be most difficult to part with anything in there....

Taking a break....

So I have decided that I am going to be taking a break from the internet for a few days. I have come to the conclusion that I spend way too much time on the computer so I will not be blogging or on facebook, myspace or checking email until at least Thursday. I will actually be locking my laptop up in the safe. I am just burned out and need a break. I need to get back to the simple things in life, I miss those days, I miss a lot of things so I will take the next few days to sit down and reflect, write actual letters that you send in a envelope with a stamp, write in my scripture journal, start to organize my house and begin my list of things to accomplish this year.

Update on Hunter

So today I took Hunter in to see if the medication he has been taking for the past week has been working. He has gone from a 7 to a 9 (our goal is to be at a 13) so that is good news but his doctor is still not happy with them. She said she would have liked for the numbers to be higher than they are so she said NO MILK at all, not one drop of milk. Well I told her that I had an issue with that since his numbers had gone up and that we had cut his milk back from a gallon a day to only 8 ounces MAX and that there was no way I could take away his milk, that is just plain cruel in my book as his mother. She then tried to tell me that it is in his best interest to not drink any milk, he is old enough now that he doesn't need any milk in his diet. So then I proceeded to tell her that in all the books I have read as well as all the pamphlets her office has given me in the past week that a child between the ages of 3-5 NEED between 8-20 ounces of milk a DAY in their diet. They need the calcium for their bones as well as their teeth so I was not going to cut out the minimum amount of milk needed for my son. I said it would be a different story if his numbers had not changed but since they were going up I would not get rid of the milk in his diet. I don't know maybe I am over reacting here but I just can't in good conscious do that to him. I am open to hear what others think about this, feel free to give me your opinion on the matter, am I wrong for going against the doctor? Am I being a bad mother for not following her orders?

Samsun

Here is one of my favorite photos of Samsun, also known as Sammy or Sam. Samsun is my 3 year old yellow lab. He is one of the largest labs I have ever seen in my life, he weighs roughly 102 pounds and stands at my waist. According to the vet he isn't over weight, just solid muscle. I like to think of him as my gentle giant. He does have one flaw though he absolutely HATES to have his paws touched. I don't know what that is about but ever since we brought him home as a puppy he has hated it, it makes trimming his nails a bit of a challenge and one that I leave for JB to do. I refuse to wrestle with him to get that job done and they seem to have an "understanding" so it all works out. Some of Samsun's favorite things to do are fetch his tennis ball, he will do that for hours if I allowed it. He has a stash of tennis balls in the bushes around the yard. He also loves to lay by the front door in the afternoons and watch the squirrels eat the bird food out of the feeders I have as well as watch the kids walk down the street from the bus stop. My mail lady is terrified of him, but then again if you didn't know how gentle he really is and saw him and heard his bark it might scare you a little. I guess I know what a gentle dog he is and how much he just wants to be your friend that I have to laugh when she freaks out. I love how at the end of the day when he is ready for bed he will come up and nudge you and look at the stairs, I will ask him if he is ready for bed and his ears will perk up as if to say " Well duh I am waiting for you" so then I will head up to bed and he will sleep at the end of the bed by my feet. He makes a wonderful foot warmer in the winter time. I love my Samsun, I love how he is my constant companion and loves me unconditionally and is so gentle and so loving. I love how he shows so much expression in his eyes. I am a bit biased here but I would have to say that I have the best dog in the world!!

My list of things to accomplish this year

I have never been one to make new year resolutions so I won't even begin to do so now, but I will make a list of things I want to accomplish this year, I don't believe it is the same as a resolution but hey I could be wrong (wouldn't be the first time, lol) 

• Organize the entire house, room by room (minimize)
• Get in shape
• Read the Book of Mormon in its entirety (working with the missionaries on that one)
• Go to the Temple more often
• Get new camera, take more photographs of family and friends
• Take a few road trips
• See my brother in California
• Make time for ME!!
  

So there are a few things for me to work on, I will come back and update on how things are progressing on this list although I won't go into detail about the Book of Mormon because I feel that is a bit too personal but I will note what books I have read and such things like that- I do have one small suggestion for those who read this, if you do nothing else this year, take time to write in a journal- I am sure my friends are sick of hearing that from me but really it is a wonderful thing to do, not just for you but for your children down the road- 

I hope everyone has a wonderful new year with many blessings to you all~