Lucky...

Today I realized what a lucky person I am to have such a wonderful friend in my life. This morning my friend Katie stopped by. It brightened my spirits to sit and chat with her while we shared some yummy treats that she brought over. I love visiting with her because she is so happy and has a wonderful spirit about her. Her smile is contagious, and brightens the room. I was able to actually laugh and smile and feel genuinely happy. It has been a while since I was able to feel that way. I also learned today that no matter what kind of funk I am in I am loved and that people care about me..

In case you are reading this Katie, THANK YOU!!!!

More Ramblings...

I wonder if other people wear a mask sometimes. What I mean is do people put on a "show" when others are around to make them think all is well and then once they leave they take the mask off and show be who they really are. I wonder this because lately I have been doing this, I act as though life couldn't be any better at the Santangelo home, and in reality things are crumbling all around me. I am one of those who does not like to be a burden to anyone, I don't ask for help, I do things for myself and I am good with that. I don't know how to even ask for help. I LOVE to help others, I don't do it to get anything in return I just love the feeling I get when I know I have helped make someones day a little better... I was asked a while ago by a missionary why I don't like help and my answer was this, I don't like to accept help because I know there are other people out there who really need help because they can't do for themselves and I can. So why take that help from them when they are the ones who truly need it. He couldn't understand my logic, he said but you are taking blessings away from those who would want to help you. I disagreed because if you are helping them instead of me you are still getting those blessings... I wish I could just sit down and tell somebody what is really on my mind but I can't. I keep things inside(except for my journal) I have a wall up and have ever since I can remember. This plays a huge role in my relationships because I don't let people get close to me, I don't want to get hurt, let down etc. I know that by doing this I also miss out on true happiness but I am not willing to let that wall down. I figure if I don't let the wall down I am not going to get hurt, I will not break into a million little pieces. Not exactly setting the example for my daughter or my son but I have had a wall around me since I was in elementary school. How is one to just rip that wall down over night? I had a talk the other night with JB and told him that I was tired of living here, I wanted a change, I need a change and his response was you can't make any changes until Sierra is out of high school. So I need to continue to do what I am doing even though it isn't making me happy, I understand making a sacrifice for my children I have done it many times and I am good with that but when my sanity is on the line I think it is best to make whatever changes needed to make sure that I can continue to be the best parent I can be for them. Maybe I am wrong here, it wouldn't surprise me if I was.... I know this is long and doesn't make much sense but there are times when one needs to just ramble......

Blank ~ Just Rambling On and On ~

I don't know what it is but lately I just seem to be in a total funk.... I am tired of how things are in my life and I am working towards making some changes. I mentioned back in January that I was going to work on my list, and I have made great progress on that list, I have completed the Book of Mormon, lost 24 pounds, organized the entire upstairs of my house. When I say organized I mean I went through every closet, cabinet and room and downsized and organized. I no longer have things that I haven't used in years. I even went so far as to toss out entire boxes without even opening them. I figured if I hadn't looked in them for a least 6 months then I didn't need the contents of that box any longer so out it went. But I have noticed even though I have accomplished these things on the list I don't feel any better. It didn't bring any sense of happiness that I lost the weight and am continuing to do so, I don't feel better knowing my house is almost in complete order. I will say that when I completed the Book of Mormon that I felt a sense of peace and accomplishment and was happy for a few days after that but then I went blank, numb so to speak. I just don't know what the deal is.

I put on a happy face for everyone but in reality I am numb inside. I was talking to a old high school friend last night and he use to make me laugh but I didn't see the humor in anything, I played along like all was great but inside nothing.... So tonight when I head to church I will put on the same smile and give a talk about how we will be blessed for our works and then head home and put my son to bed and listen to my daughter tell me all about her night of talking with friends and the latest thing going on and then head to bed where I can hide and I no longer have to pretend..... I hope I can figure this out soon and really be happy again... *sigh*

To the First 5 People that Read This Post...

The first five people to respond to this post will get something made by me! My choice. For you. This offer does have some restrictions and limitations:

1- I make no guarantees that you will like what I make!
2- What I create will be just for you.
3- It'll be done this year.
4- You have no clue what it's going to be.

The catch is that you must re-post this on your blog and offer the same to the first 5 people who do the same on your blog. The first 5 people to do so and leave a comment telling me they did win a homemade gift by me! Oh, and be sure to post a picture of what you win when you get it!!!

You don't really have to post this on your blog, I just thought it would be fun!!

An Interview

So a few weeks ago I was reading For the Journey's blog and she had a posting titled An interview and I thought it was a neat way to get to know people. I have been following her blog for a little over a year now and I feel as though I have gotten to know her, well at least that she is an amazing photographer and is one of the most creative people I "know". So anyway I thought I would volunteer for her to interview me and here are the questions she sent me.

"I think I remember reading that you're from California. What's
your opinion of the East Coast vs. the West Coast. Would you want to
ever live on the West Coast again?"

I absolutely love living on the East Coast and I seriously doubt I will ever live in California again. I just never felt like that was "home" to me. I never felt like I belonged there. I am all about road trips so living here on the East Coast is great for me to see a new town all the time and to learn the history of our country. I also love how nice the people are out here, it did take me some time to get use to children calling me Ms. Cynthia they definitely do not do that in California. I also love the beaches here, they are WARM unlike in Northern California. One thing I will say that I do NOT like at all about North Carolina is the fact that I can not get my salami out here and they do not have a Round Table Pizza here. I miss my Gallo Salami!

"It sounds like LDS is a new thing for you (correct me if I'm
wrong). How were you introduced to it?"

I am a convert to the church. I joined the church back in 2002. I grew up with a few Mormon friends but I never knew what the really believed I just knew that my Mother was against the church so we never really talked about it. When I lived in California I met a missionary and we became friends, stayed in touch with him throughout his mission, he went home to Canada and I moved to North Carolina. In January of 2002 I was just feeling lost and somewhat alone and I was talking to Sean about it and he sent me a Book of Mormon and asked that I read a few scriptures that he had marked, long story short I met up with Elders Holgate and King while they were tracking and on February 8th 2002 I was baptized and confirmed a member of the church. That lost feeling I had and the sense of feeling alone was gone. Even though I have been a member for 7 years now I still feel as though I am a new memeber because I was not raised in the church. ( this is totally the short version of my conversion story. )

"Do you have a favorite birthday party memory? Which birthday and
what made it special?"

I do not have a favorite birthday party memory but I do have a favorite birthday memory. Every year for my birthday my Grandmother would always make me a lemon cake from scratch. She was an amazing baker!

"If you had a perfectly empty weekend without any chores, how would
you spend it with your family?"

If I had an empty weekend without chores, I would spend the weekend in the mountains. I love going to the mountains here in North Carolina. We would spend the weekend at a cabin and just hang out, play games, go hiking, take tons of photos and just have some quality time together.

"What is your favorite dish to cook? Where did you learn the recipe?"

My all time favorite dish to cook is lasagna. I learned how to make it from my parents. My Mother showed me how when I was younger but my Father taught me how to perfect it when I was an adult. I use the fresh herbs and I make the pasta from scratch. I always have homemade bread to go with it as well as a salad.

If you would like to be interviewed let me know, I will send you some questions and you can answer them in a post :)